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Desperately Distraught

This is one of those blog posts I was dreading... As much as I prefer to keep things on the up & up (happy & bright), there is a dark side to my life... Oh, it's NO secret. It's been going on for quite some time now (Years, actually) & I am quite used to it. Exhausted, but used to it... I do share about it IF I feel led to. If I think someone can benefit from it, I will definitely share. My goal in life is to use whatever I have learned from ANY circumstance, to help others, if possible.

I don't even know what to say... I prayed right here in my chair before I typed anything & asked God to guide my words, so that they would mean something to someone, somehow... & That He would help me to say what needs to be said.

There's this little nagging nudge inside me that tells me when I'm "supposed to" do something. It sort of has a way of pushing me into things. The hardest part of it is when I KNOW I am supposed to do it, but I don't want to.

Let's face it, butterflies & moonbeams are SO much more appealing than dungeons & demons. Can I just chase some fireflies please? Most often times, the thoughts of sharing our deepest, darkest of days, brings me to tears. Gut splitting, cheek soaking, sobbing tears. I mean, I have literally chowed down three lemon Oreo's, just typing these last few sentences... Because... It's about to get real, people. Real!

*Runs to hide the Oreo's.

Earlier this evening, while I was having a beautiful, online, private chat, with a lovely Facebook friend, after dinner, I heard a specific sound coming from across the hallway. A familiar sound I knew all too well... I perked right up & quickly typed to my friend what I was hearing. I asked her to please pray (I often ask for prayer in these circumstances) (It ALWAYS helps!)... I jumped up & ran to the doorway & looked across, into our bedroom, where my hubby was watching DVD reruns of Stargate SG-1, season 7. Yes, I know this for certain...

BUT what I saw was my sweet, giant of a man, lying sideways on the bed, head in hands, sobbing uncontrollably. Heart-wrenching sobs... I immediately run to his side & crawl up on the bed next to him & lay my head on the back of his shoulder, as I also burst into tears... I'm very experienced in this by now, so I already know there is nothing I can say to ease those tears. Nothing. My only other choice is to join in & cry with him. At least now he is not crying alone, right. They've always said, "If you can't beat em, join em", eh? Believe me, I've cried buckets.

As I lay there, quietly crying, leaning on his warm, strong back, where I've spent the past 35 years falling asleep every single night, I carefully keep my hands on him, trying to be soothing, if possible, without agitating him further, while I pray. The entire time, I pray silently in my head, pleading for calming & direction. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Thank-you Jesus". Thanking God for allowing me to be here, to soothe this sweet, sad, giant of a man. All the while, my heart is breaking for this broken, broken man, whom I love SO dearly... I don't want to overstay my welcome, so I get up, grab us each a tissue, hand him one & leave the room for a bit.

The crying continued, with a few distraught sounds, so I run back in to do more of my soothing prayer routine. I have every bit of faith in me that the prayer is what helps every time... I sit quietly through the explanations of why he is so sad & how devastated he is that he can no longer do all of the things he loved doing so much & how he worked SO hard all his life & then lost it all & has nothing to show for it. Stories I know all too well. Stories I lived also, right beside him... I know I don't have any of the answers he wants, so I know it's best to just be there, quietly. My husband mourns the loss of the man he used to be. He has lost his own self.

I have often said, "We are all in charge of what we think about", BUT I have learned that when you are depressed, you don't control your thoughts, your thoughts control you. As much as I'd like to be able to tell him to snap out of it, I know that wouldn't do any good... I have, however, told him numerous times, "You can't move forward, if you keep looking backwards". He knows this, he just can't fix himself.

I have also told him, "Try not to think about what you can't do & focus on what you "can" do. Your life is different now, so you have to find your new normal" Of course he says nothing about his life is normal now.

I am his biggest cheerleader. He is grateful to me for so many reasons. He knows I am tired, which really bothers him. It matters not to me. I just keep going. I'm like the Eveready Bunny, going & going & going. Although, I'm SO TIRED. Daily... I'm only strong because God has me in His ever-loving hands. Otherwise, I've no doubt I would crumble & slump down to the ground, like crushed rock. We have literally been on a roller coaster, spiraling up, down & ALL around, for at least the past ten years. I think our tickets have expired, let us off now. Please!

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a nurse. I didn't know I was squeamish though, so I could never become a nurse. Well, in a way, I am now a nurse. A caretaker anyway. A HUGE job & not for the faint of heart. On call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. ALL year. Indefinitely.

Thankfully, for tonight, the sadness didn't stay too awfully long & I was able to coax him into peeling & eating a couple of oranges (somehow, a bit of food activity always makes it better) & then I got him to take his night meds (only one hour late this time), before having some popcorn. He is quiet, but no more tears. I've gotten pretty good at knowing when to (Or when not to) bring those pills in. I know he hates having to take them & I hate it when the mood isn't right. The good Lord knows I hate having to scurry around & pick those things up, before the dog finds one. (Yes, he has thrown them once or twice over the years).

I have spent a lot of time over the years, trying to convince my love that he is not a burden. In his mind, he believes he is a huge burden. His thoughts lie to him... Maybe depression is a burden, but the man I love is SO not a burden to me. In fact, he is such a joy & he helps me a lot, when he can & I am SO grateful to have him with me every day. He is constantly making me laugh, it's hilarious... & I wouldn't know what to do without his hand in mine.

So, some people only see doom

& gloom, while others see rainbows & butterflies. You know, like Tigger & Eeyore...

I LOVE this one!! LOL!

This world is a very interesting place, isn't it?... We all process things differently. We all grieve differently. In our marriage, we are two individuals, joined in this life of togetherness, both processing it all in very different ways & yet, we hold hands & go through it, together. I know I am right where I'm supposed to be, because God doesn't make mistakes. He knew & He had our lives planned out before we were born... & He took me clear across the country & filled my heart to the brim with a love that is overflowing, so that I could spend the rest of my life, bringing love & cheers to my sweet, sweet, loving hubby.

& I know, eventually, when it's the right time, things will go a lot smoother. The rainbow is coming...

There "will" be more joy

& fishing again in our future.

I just KNOW it!

No idea who this is in the picture, but I know my sweetie wishes it was him.