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In the Dark Closet

Some days can be SO difficult. Honestly... Mostly I don't usually ever talk about it. I like to keep things positive. On the up & up, so to speak. I'm a happy type of girl. One that really REALLY wants to laugh. I've cried much too much lately for a happy girl like me.

Today was my one day at home for this weekend. I dread the weekends of only one day. Oh, sure, I only leave the house to work a few days per week, & I'm thankful for some income, but honestly, I pretty much work 24 hours per day, seven days per week, right here at home. There really aren't many times when I have time to myself. Thank God for making us have bodily functions, so I can have about 30 seconds to myself while I go pee. Even that gets disrupted. I can't even sit down on the toilet without the dog coming in to sling her butt around at me, so I'll scratch her haunches. Sheesh!

Today started out pretty good. We slept in & I needed it! Our dog, Gypsy, has been extremely needy herself for several days. She's been boofing whisper barks during the night for quite a few days now. So low that only I can hear her & my hubby sleeps on & on. I've been telling her to hush, but she continues on as if to say, "Mom... Mama... Mom... Mom, are you awake?... Mama?... Mom!... I'd really like to cuddle in your bed mom... Please... Mom?". I know her very well, so I

know exactly what she wants. Night before last my hubby actually heard her finally & when he stirred a said, "Tell her no", so he said, "NO!" & she kept quiet for the rest of the night... Last night, after our bedtime routine, when it came time for her to go in her crate (which she normally LOVES), she did, but every single time I'd go to shut her door, she would push it open & charge out into the room next to me, with a crying groan. She was adamant. I caved. I turned out all of the lights & left her door open. She promptly followed me down the hall & after I got into bed, she jumped up & made herself at home on top of the bed, resting her chin over my ankles. I watched one episode of Monk on DVD & fell fast asleep. Every so often Gypsy would change position. First she comes up next to my shoulder & noses the blankets, so I raise the blanket & she swoops down inside the covers next to my leg. After she gets hot under there, she makes her way out the top to get her head uncovered. Next she gets out completely & lays on top again. This goes on repeatedly ALL night long. She moved around so much that our two top "supplemental" blankets disappeared onto the floor at some point during the night, causing us to feel the chill in the air... She was happy & that's what mattered, even if I am tired. I love that girl!

All-in-all, we did have a pretty good day. I lit some candles ...

& Made hot yummy coffee & then I toasted English muffins for lunch & did some work, trying to sell some things online.

My hubby decided he would try to help me do some things & got busy emptying the vacuum canister & then sucked up some dog-hair tumbleweeds while he sat on the floor. He dumped the previous potatoes out of the potato bucket & put the new in the bottom to rotate them, so the old gets used first. I need ALL the help I can get since I have so much to do all the time. I was so grateful. Together we put away the box of jewelry onto the racks, in hopes I can sell it when people come by. He unwraps it while sitting at the table & I hang it up. Teamwork...

Before I really even knew what happened, he was in full on meltdown mode. Completely distressed about the state of his life (Or lack of life) & the fact that he is broken & can no longer go out & work, to make a living to help contribute to our finances. What???

This was not the way I wanted to spend my one day home this weekend. I tried my best hugs & then stayed my distance, so I wouldn't agitate him any further.

After a while, things seemed pretty quiet, so I decided to check on him. I went down the hall & into every room. He was nowhere to be seen. I'd been in the front room the entire time, so I knew he hadn't gone outside or into the garage even. I called out, "Where are you?". No answer. I checked the rooms again & then I poked my head into the mostly empty closet of our office room & saw his legs on the floor in the dark, so I knew he was in there.

There, sitting in the bottom of the dark closet, quietly crying.

"Babe!", I said in my most tender, caring wife way & I crawled down inside that closet with him & sat on his lap. I hugged him & clung to him & cried together with him. He was so distraught. He struggles so. It's heart wrenching, to say the least. It's a wonder I even know how to act or react, or what to say to him at all. I just go with my gut & have faith that God will give me wisdom & the words to speak. I put my hands on his cheeks & felt the softness of his beard against my palms & I said, "Do you know how precious you are to me?" & "My love for you isn't measured by how much money you make" & "Do you know how thankful I am that I have you in my life & how much I need you" & he said, "But you deserve so much better than me & what I can give you, I'm SO broken", so I said, "I deserve you, because you are the man I chose to spend the rest of my life & grow old with. We can be old & broken together" & I threw my arms around him & he burst into sobbing tears & clung to me, right there in the bottom of the dark closet.

I hope & pray that my husband will stop mourning all of the "things" he has lost, so he can enjoy the life we have today. I pray he can find his new normal. He may have a lot of medical conditions now & maybe he can't work, but that doesn't change the fact that he is still him. He is the man I love. He is an awesome person, I just wish he could see it himself. I pray he can take his focus off of money (or the lack of it) & focus on the day he's living in & the positive things around him instead.

When each new day comes & I wake up breathing, it's a good day. I choose to focus on the good ALL around me.